Are you suffering from cold sweats? Palpitations? Do you have homicidal feelings towards your more successful friends? Good morning. It’s ‘A’ Level results day.

Results: the writing’s on the wall

At this moment you’re probably rocking backwards and forwards in the foetal position, clutching your results envelope to your chest and moaning softly. That’s okay – give yourself a moment to stare into the abyss of total despair, then make a nice cup of tea and read on.

That’s good. You’ll feel better in a moment. Pretty soon you’ll be able pronounce the dreaded R-word without experiencing full-body paralysis. What’s more, you could also still be on your way to a life of cheap beer, romance and traffic cone accessories. Yep, that’s right, your hopes of university life are not lost!

Okay, so you haven’t made the grades for your insurance offer, let alone your first-choice university. Stay calm. The good people at UCAS will have automatically popped a clearing entry form in the post to you, along with a booklet detailing the list of vacancies that any British university has on offer. Due to fact that there are thousands of others out there who will have missed their grades, the universities will always have spaces left over on their courses that they will be eager to fill.

Now is not the time, however, to sit on your backside and leave your fate to the vagaries of the British postal system. While you’re waiting for your clearing form take the opportunity to log onto the UCAS website. The site will be live from 11am on results day and will give you clear-cut instructions on what to do next, as well as initial details of any vacancies on offer. You also can’t go far wrong by ringing up UCAS direct on 01242 227788 or checking out the relevant pages on Ceefax.

Unfortunately, it really is a case of survival of the fittest, so make like Linford and get in there quick if you spot a course that you’d really like to try for, and for which you have the appropriate grades. Ring up the institution in question immediately and be prepared to do a bit of bartering if your grades don’t quite match up. With a bit of luck they should give you an informal offer.

Another good tip is to set up camp outside your local newsagent’s for the next couple of weeks. You may get moved on by the police but at least this way you’ll catch the early editions of the papers and be first to pore over the clearance listings. The Independent is running their listings from August 16 – 24, as well as some final listings on August 28. They will also publish a Parent’s Guide to Clearing on August 18, so if your brain is too addled to cope with it all try thrusting the paper in your parents’ direction and see if they will help ease you through the whole process. They’re likely to be a bit calmer and more efficient about the whole thing now that they know there’s a real chance that you could actually be leaving the nest and becoming (gasp) a real-life university student.

The Guardian will also be publishing lists of course vacancies everyday from August 16 – 28. It’s worth ringing around several institutions so that you have a couple of options when it comes to actually filling in your clearing form. If they’re engaged, keep trying – you’ve got to be determined if you want to stand a chance of getting in.

Feeling better? Remember that there are many ways out of the hole you currently find yourself in and lots of people out there who are only too willing to fetch you a ladder and help you climb out. And remember, any effort you put in now will be more than worth it when you find yourself sinking heroically to the floor of a hall of residence somewhere in the country on the second night of Freshers’ Week. Welcome to your new life.

Georgina Turnbull is a third-year English and Philosophy student at the College of St Hild and St Bede, Durham University.